Reflections on Identity and Purpose

I have been thinking about my upcoming birthday. When I did one podcast promoting Persistence, I said I did not really like myself until I was 40. Before you react with shock, I will clarify. Around that age, I realized I had to live for me.

In my childhood, I internalized messages that my disability made my mother sad. In my teens and early 20s, it was clear physical therapy had done everything it could for me. When I focused on my education and establishing a career, I forgot about my disability for periods of time. It would crop up like a whack a mole when I was out in public. It was annoying and disconcerting. I never felt like a less than, but reactions from others were uncomfortable and rejecting. They still can be.

I was divorced and started living alone again. I was the only one taking care of myself. Working for a very long time at a non-profit focused on disability rights, it was an in your face era for me. Childhood anxiety about being a disappointment, and trying to be unobtrusive, would slip away when I was at a rally or a protest. Sometimes I was fully immersed and forgot about myself altogether.

Then I was laid off. I felt like I had no identity for about a year. My anxiety was through the roof because I had been financially insecure for almost a year, and so much of my support system was wrapped up in my former job. When I started working again, I could breathe. It took me a long time to assess who I was. The new job had nothing to do with disability. I got serious about writing the book. It helped me figure out who I was again. Then I changed jobs for healthcare benefits. I had to take care of myself.

Now I grapple with working for a large agency. I love the work because I am back in the field of disability, but I feel constrained by structure and process. My passion of mission is misunderstood as anger and rudeness. I think I am viewed as a loose cannon. But I don’t regret that.

I actually have two jobs because the publication of Persistence opened a whole new path. I have a platform to educate. I am content now because I feel close to my real purpose, but I am not quite on the right path to fruition. I still take care of myself and I push close to the edge. I am going to fulfill my legacy. I have made mistakes, but I have no regrets.

If you would like to purchase a copy of Persistence:

Paperback

https://shop.ingramspark.com/b/084?params=iP5kOjdMND8VPX1QzZSiwE1txIGMa9FXUPcBb1stHU1

Hardback

https://shop.ingramspark.com/b/084?params=BfEel6ivgHkeKiIPf8MxJi2npdQqFPLJ3a4BkArbaBf